INTENSITY

I will say nothing against the course of my existence. But at bottom it has been nothing but pain and burden, and I can affirm that during the whole of my 75 years, I have not had four weeks of genuine well-being. It is but the perpetual rolling of a rock that must be raised up again, forever -- Goethe

     When I first read this, I was floored. Goethe was one of a handful of exceptional men in his time, amazingly productive, full of accomplishment. Not only a great writer, he did pioneering work in color theory and anatomy, designed gardens, ran a theatre and served as a councilor to the head of a German court. He traveled, wrote 10,000 letters and had a calendar that was always full.  
     He was restless, possibly driven and I wonder if that's how he dealt with the dissatisfaction he must have felt at bottom. I see him whirling through his days, busy, curious about the world around him, social, but when he is alone depression - anxiety - emptiness - move out of the background he can mask through his busy days, and come to the fore, as if they are the default in his consciousness. I wonder if he would have traded his accomplishments for a life of well-being. I think not. He was part of a Romantic generation that saw poetry in suffering and he might have sensed how much his angst and restlessness led him to make his world as big as possible.
     It's the push and pull between a life of inner peace and a life of public accomplishments. It's our idea of the tormented artist who suffers for his art, or our suspicion that creativity needs the irritating grain of sand in order to make pearls. It's hard to picture a peaceful person doing much more than contemplating whatever has caught her eye.  
     I suppose I, too, am Romantic with a capital R. I value my restless mind, my curiosity. They keep me from getting bored. Passion and obsession get me going, make all the lights brighter so I can see more intensely. Words, images often come in a barrage and I feel that I'm on a taut string, vibrating with ideas. It's not peaceful but it's often productive. The question is, is it worth it?
     I've spent a long time cultivating inner peace and yet there is a part of me that hates that phrase. Not only because it's become a main stream cliche but also because a part of me can't imagine anything duller. I know a spiritual person would tell me how I'm misunderstanding. In fact, I can tell myself: inner equilibrium in no way has to block intensity and creativity. It can do the opposite - unblock all the feelings buried inside. But I want the Sturm und Drang, the thunder and lightening, the yearning for something I can't even see much less have. Intensity, intensity, as long as I'm alive.