It occurs to me that the way out of humiliation is through humility.When I feel humiliated by my situation or someone's (mostly imagined) response to me, I feel humiliation which is another word for shame. Shame is a judgment, the taking on of a certain belief, attitude - it's a judgment that's leveled only by my own fears and self-loathing., not tied to anything objective outside myself, to some standard that's been decreed from on high.
But when I open myself to humility, judgment vanishes. Letting go of it, I'm only where I am, full of acceptance for where I am. Humiliation is static; when I'm flooded with shame, there's no way forward. I'm caught in the prison of judgment. But humility looks only for what is; let me begin from where I am. Humility opens me up to the possibility that I don't know everything, that there may be another view, that there may be something I can or need or want to learn. Humility is a great bowing down, not to any other person or god but to my own shared humanity, a recognition of the human condition with all its faults and weaknesses and fears.
Humiliation is the child of the ego, of all the judgments ego creates. Humility is the gift of the spirit, the way to move beyond ego and find a path forward.
Showing posts with label humiliation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humiliation. Show all posts
Thursday, October 31, 2019
Monday, April 11, 2016
YOU WIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME
Rejection used to make me shrivel. If some work of mine wasn't wanted, it was entirely possible I would quit working for months. Sometimes, I would bring rejection on myself - in wanting to impress certain people, I would be hyper, aggressive and take up too much room which of course put them off. The memory of trying too hard feels humiliating. Rejection and humiliation are a deadly combination.
I'm so much better dealing with both than I used to be. When someone I like doesn't like me, I no longer take it as a verdict on my worth. That's just the way it is. It turns out phrases like, "you win some, you lose some," have deep, even profound meanings, which of course is why they become cliches. Learning not to take it personally, knowing that I can let go of bad feelings very soon after they start, understanding that I always have the freedom to choose my own attitude - all of that only slowly became possible for me. Infiltration feels like the right word - the small steps toward freedom infiltrated the black lagoon inside me, little soldiers that embedded themselves in my consciousness until there were so many, they could take over. Consciousness is porous and with experience and insight we can be changed.
I think of Alice in Wonderland stepping through the looking glass. She takes a step across the backbone of reality and while she stays the same everything is different. With me, it takes a long line of little steps, working their changes without my realizing it, and then one step comes along and tips me over into what feels like a new reality. My thoughts and feelings, my attitude toward the world and everything in it, is different. I have something like equanimity.
I wish I hadn't wasted so much time and energy on feeling rejected and humiliated. But that's wishing I was someone else with some other, fantastically smooth path. Everyone has "stuff" they have to work out; mine is just that, mine. On good days, I'm grateful to have had to struggle toward freedom in my own particular way. And even more grateful to see how far I've come.
I'm so much better dealing with both than I used to be. When someone I like doesn't like me, I no longer take it as a verdict on my worth. That's just the way it is. It turns out phrases like, "you win some, you lose some," have deep, even profound meanings, which of course is why they become cliches. Learning not to take it personally, knowing that I can let go of bad feelings very soon after they start, understanding that I always have the freedom to choose my own attitude - all of that only slowly became possible for me. Infiltration feels like the right word - the small steps toward freedom infiltrated the black lagoon inside me, little soldiers that embedded themselves in my consciousness until there were so many, they could take over. Consciousness is porous and with experience and insight we can be changed.
I think of Alice in Wonderland stepping through the looking glass. She takes a step across the backbone of reality and while she stays the same everything is different. With me, it takes a long line of little steps, working their changes without my realizing it, and then one step comes along and tips me over into what feels like a new reality. My thoughts and feelings, my attitude toward the world and everything in it, is different. I have something like equanimity.
I wish I hadn't wasted so much time and energy on feeling rejected and humiliated. But that's wishing I was someone else with some other, fantastically smooth path. Everyone has "stuff" they have to work out; mine is just that, mine. On good days, I'm grateful to have had to struggle toward freedom in my own particular way. And even more grateful to see how far I've come.
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