ACTION, NOT UNDERSTANDING

It's one of the mysteries of my life how it is that I can see things about myself I want to change, see what I could do to help those changes along, and still not be able to act to make those changes happen.  This is true with both large and small issues - I know I would feel better if I exercised more and ate better, but I just can't get myself to do it.  My frame of mind would be better if my house wasn't such a mess, but I just can't get myself to clean up.  I know I would feel better if (fill in the blank) but I just can't seem to do it. 
      This is true even when I'm sure my life would go better if I made those changes.  Who wouldn't want to feel healthier and more energetic? Or have the mental clarity order in my environment would bring? Or go out more in the world when I know socializing invariably lightens my mood?
Obviously, there's conflict inside me and a deep and constant ambivalence.  A conscious "Yes, I want to" and an unconscious and very powerful, "No, I can't."
     I used to think I had to unpack the whys of that "Don't."  It must come from my childhood, the fears and anxieties of my mother which got installed in me, or from a human existential ambivalence which has a certain romantic glamour.  If I can trace it back, understand it fully, then it will be lifted from me and I will be changed.  
     But I no longer think that kind of understanding will get me very far.  It's a kind of magical thinking, believing that understanding will render me changed and then I will be free of resistance and the old habits of the "don'ts."  
     I'm trying a different approach.  When conflict and ambivalence come up, I try not to collapse under their sway.  I welcome them in, acknowledge they are a very deep part of me.  Then I try to see what small action I can take to counteract my old habits of mind and behavior.  It's too overwhelming to think about cleaning and straightening up my house, but maybe, just maybe, I  can clean out one, just one, storage drawer in the kitchen.  I can force myself to say yes to the next social invitation I get, and try not to spend hours thinking about how I can out of it.  I can't seem to force myself to write a proposal for some classes I want to teach, but maybe, just maybe, I can jot down some notes, five minutes worth.  
     I recognize that some days I won't be able to do even that.  But I think I have a chance if I stop waiting for the light of understanding to change me, and start acting to change myself.  I no longer want to dangle over the morass of conflicts and vague possibilities.  Instead, I'm going to stop waiting for revelation to change me.  I will come back up to the surface of my life where concrete action is waiting.  I can accept all my resistance and fear, sit down with them and have a cup of tea.  But I am larger than that, and the larger part of me can act despite them and take as small a step as I can.