CAUGHT

Many times, as I move through my day, I find myself caught - by resentment or hurts or fear, any one of a list of feelings that stir me up and throw me off track. Getting caught is like boarding a merry-go-round that spins faster and faster; the more deeply I dive into the feeling, the more it whirls through my body, propelled by intensity and, as I go over it again and again, it revs my motor, wears a groove through my consciousness.
     Certain feelings catch me more than others. Particularly hard for me - in addition to my general fear that my life is crumbling around me - are the times when I feel ignored, unseen, discounted. They too easily confirm what I always suspect; I'm not worthy, I don't have whatever it takes - to what? Live a life completely free of rejection? It's not possible. When you move through the world of other people, someone is bound to turn away. In fact, each of us has moments when we are the ones who turn away.
     I used to look out at the world from behind my eyes and see everything as it related to me. Does that person like me, or see how superior I am? Am I with the in crowd? That friend has just had a big success - what does that mean for me? Narcissism makes it impossible to see the world as separate; I can't detach, or stop judging both myself and everyone else.  I'm reminded of a cartoon I saw a long time ago. An atom bomb is going off and a woman is holding her head and saying "But what about my career?" That level of self-absorption is no joke; it keeps you caught in a constant anxious reckoning.
     If it's impossible to live in a world free of all hurts, resentments, fears, if it's impossible never to be caught, I have to find a way to free myself. Sometimes it takes a while for me to realize that I'm running on negative thoughts and feeling, but eventually I awaken to the trap I'm in. I realize my equanimity is attached to something outside myself, something I have no control over, and reminding myself of that fact makes me want to detach because, just as I can't control anyone else, I don't want to be controlled by what anyone else says or does. If I feel that someone doesn't like me or has discounted me, if someone goes through a stop sign when it's my turn - and everything in between - I don't have to take it up and let it rule my being. And there's the key - understanding that I always have a choice. I can stay in uncomfortable or painful feelings, or I can work to let  them go. I am always free to choose my own attitude.