LISTS: WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO TOMORROW

I know people who make lists. Of course, it helps them remember what's on the list, but it's also good for giving structure to the day. The list tells them what needs to be done. Some people feel good checking items off; it gives them a sense of accomplishment, of clearing the decks. I imagine it's like what I feel like when I clear off the dining table which is usually piled high with books and papers; clearing off the stuff, finding a place for the stuff, seeing the cleared table top - it's a very good feeling.
     Articles about successful people often mention that they make lists. Why then don't I?  Actually, I on occasion I do make a list but then promptly forget that I have and don't look at it. Other times I look at it and shrug - does that really need to be done today, does it really need to be done at all? I let myself off the hook of doing things that I myself want to do. I give myself a choice when making a list is already the decision. It's very odd.
     Procrastination is certainly part of it. I have a theory that I always know where the last minute is and can meet the deadline. Do I actively seek out the pressure of leaving things undone? Why haven't I learned to silence the voice inside me that says it's all right not to do, to let things slide? Why do I still feel so resistant to anything that says "should" to me - even if it's something I want to do?  
     I also feel a strong pull toward oblivion, a desire to get out from under having to pay attention, most especially to my life. The fog is seductive -- a part of me wants to enter it -- and I can see a use for it; I never have to leave my comfort zone and challenge myself to think or act. More than odd - perverse.
     I've been aware of these things in me for a long time and have struggled to get past the unwilled obliviousness, procrastination and desire to zone out. I've made progress - today I did my work in the morning, went to see a friend, came home and did some more work, and now I'm writing here which is something I want to do because it makes me feel good.

     There's another voice inside and it's gotten louder as I've been writing here. Stop luxuriating in the fog; stop all your excuses, just get up and do. That's a good voice, one I want to listen to.
     Here's what I'd like to do tomorrow. I'll get up early and make a list. I won't make it very long; it's counterproductive to make a list of things I can't possibly accomplish. I'll do the first item on the list and feel the satisfaction of an intention fulfilled. Then I'll return to the list to see what the next item is. I'll do it. There won't be any waffling in my head, no debate. I'll just go down the list.