THE REFUGE INSIDE

I used to look to things outside myself to give me a sense of security. Even though most of the time I wouldn't admit it, I felt a deep anxiety about who I was, what I could do, who would love me. I thought a person could fix me, or accomplishments - many of the ones I dreamed about were grandiose - so that I could have the world's acknowledgement. Surely love and success would shore me up, make me feel whole, make it so I'd never have to feel anxious or alone.
     Like most people, my life has been a mixed bag. There have been good times and bad times and all the levels between. I worried the good times would never last while the bad ones seemed to go on forever, and the in betweens felt dull and boring.
     It took a lot of suffering to make me understand that no person, place or thing was going to transform me into someone who felt no anxiety. Sooner or later, everyone and everything would sooner let me down, or leave me humming, "Is that all there is?" I began to see that if I was ever going to feel a sense of security deep inside me, it would have to come from changes inside me. No one could give me freedom from fear. It was up to me learn how to create a refuge inside, a place where I could go no matter what was happening in my life. 
     I have found that refuge, although sometimes it takes a while for me to find it. That makes it sound like it really is a place, but now I think that refuge is an action; I feel its presence when I'm surrendering, accepting that I'm powerless over my fears, when I become willing to search for a connection to whatever is greater than myself. Those actions don't so much lead to a refuge inside; those actions are the refuge.