Yesterday, an opportunity to send my work out into the world came up. I felt a familiar flicker of excitement, but it was short lived - immediately an even more familiar voice said, no, that will never work, no point in even trying.
It was only in talking to a friend a few hours later that I realized what I had done. I had deflected a good possibility before I even explored it by allowing the voice of self-censorship to be the loudest voice I heard. I saw the pattern I've repeated so many times - an idea or opportunity arises and I deflect, squash, allow it to pass. It's as if there are templates inside me and when things present themselves I automatically sort them - in this case, opportunity went into the I-always-deflect template.
Telling my friend put the possibility out into the world, instead of leaving it in my head where it could have drifted for days until it disappeared. We quickly made a step by step plan of what I could do to follow through and in the time since I've done what I said I would.
All day today, I've felt a subtle energy, something light and clear. I've realized what it is: the energy of hope. Not the hope that I will put something out into the world which will be recognized and rewarded, but the hope that I can change the old patterns which have so often in the past kept me from doing so. I can't control what happens after I've done my part. All I can do, and it's crucial, is to act in spite of binding old habits. I can accept the challenge of change.
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