I found myself praying today, praying to I don't know what but that doesn't matter. When I ask to be shown what to do or how to let go, I'm looking outside myself for help and answers. I move out of being what a friend of mine once called a wasp in a coffee can, relentlessly buzzing and getting nowhere. I move out of trying to control, to impose answers and become receptive, patient, humble.
Today I've been praying, "Help me do better. Show me what to do to help myself." Alone, I can't seem to find a way past the resistance that comes up so often when there are things I should do. Some days, it's as if my entire inner life has gone slack, lost energy, become a fog I'm barely aware of wandering through. Then, it's all about trying to wake up, rouse myself, dispel the fog and all its inaction. Some days, many days, I give in to the slackness and the idea of energetic action seems a million miles away.
I want to do better. I want to come through for myself, keep the commitments I make to myself, accomplish what I say I'll accomplish. I want to follow through. Disappointing others is certainly painful, but there's a particular harshness to disappointing myself. It reinforces every bad thought I have about myself and confirms my poor opinion of everything that has to do with me.
I want to do better. And for that I need help, the kind that comes when I let go of all my views and opinions, quiet my mind and allow some other force to come into me, a force that wants only good for me, a force that can help me get past all my resistance and willful turning away from the light. Only try. Only connect with the energy that's all around me.
Grant me the power to keep reaching out and when I fail as I know I sometimes will, grant me the courage to try and try again.
No comments:
Post a Comment