TROUBLEMAKERS

I've been thinking about troublemakers, people who want to stir things up.  I say "troublemakers" and think men but there must be as many women who want to make trouble.
     This kind of person is controlling and self-obsessed; she wants to make things happen and in a secret way. It's manipulation with an edge; I can feel the anger and resentment that drives her. I see a sneering face, a curled lip, something out of Richard III, and I can feel the satisfaction she must get out of secretly rocking the boat, upsetting the apple cart, causing chaos. She must feel a certain satisfaction in secrecy, that people are unaware of her manipulations; she's the only one who sees what's really going on. She's like an arsonist setting a house on fire; she wants to burn down others' peace of mind and contentment. She's operating on contempt.
     Everyone feels resentment and anger from time to time. It's why revenge stories are so cathartic - everyone wants to get back at people who hurt or rob us. But for most of us, resentment, anger, thoughts of revenge pass and I'm usually relieved that I didn't act on them.  For me, the thought of my waging a secret war, or bringing down trouble on someone else is more than agitating, anxiety provoking. It brings up feelings in my body that over time have become intolerable and I've spent a long time learning to let go of them. You could say I've developed a passion for peace.
     I'll never know why one person needs the rush her malice must bring, while another seeks equanimity. It's one of those mysteries of temperament, upbringing, the wiring in the brain. But I'm glad, more than glad, that I've turned out to be one of the ones who values kindness and compassion, and I'll work to deepen them.