A long time ago, a friend and I were talking about a resentment I'd been nursing and couldn't let go. After a while, she asked, "Well, what do you think is the issue behind the issue?" I was stopped for a moment - what a great question. I needed some time to think about it but eventually the answer came. My resentment had very little to do with anything the other person did or didn't do; it grew out of the part of me that was threatened in some way. Threatened how? I soon could give it a name - I was angry because I was afraid I would never get anything good, any of the things I wanted. That was the issue behind the issue - my fear that my life would be filled with frustration and desperation, that I would never have enough. Oh, that old useless fear. Once I understood that, the resentment faded away.
In the years since, I've asked myself this question whenever turmoil arises in me. The issue behind the issue that stirs the waters on the surface - does it tap into the fears that make me see the world and the people in it and most especially myself in a negative light which in turn activates my insecurity, or self-pity, or envy, my pride, my competitiveness, or any of the other dark emotions that live inside me?
Over and over again, as soon as I begin asking what is my part in what I'm feeling, what in me is available for this self-defeating emotion, the instigating surface dynamic fades away.
One more time, I see that it's futile for me to think I can control anything or anyone outside myself. I don't mind; in fact, I welcome the news. I no longer have to spend a minute on why you -- or life -- is or isn't doing exactly what I want. All my energy can now go into looking at my attitudes, which I can do something about. I can begin an honest inner exploration simply by asking, what is the issue behind the issue? What is my part?
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