I'm revved up today, eager to be in the world, eager to be with people, eager to work. It comes from the sense that I'm making progress on issues that have long held me back. All the steps I've taken lately have been small and seemingly off topic, but in the swirl of my being everything is related. Cleaning the sink, dusting a shelf, clearing the tops of the bookcases - they're small victories against my resistance to anything that has to do with daily maintenance. Some part of me has been proud of that resistance; see, I'm not conventional, I'm a free spirit. But even free spirits have to take care of themselves and their portion of the world - you can't be free when you're dragged down by so much that is undone, unfinished, ignored.
I'm think I'm ignoring chaos and mess, but they take their toll. Papers piled everywhere, my clothes thrown on the back of a chair, the many tasks not done - I'm keenly aware of all I'm not doing and it doesn't take a particularly high IQ to get that the chaos outside is a reflection of what I feel inside. I know it, but it's a vicious circle. Looking out at the mess I'm creating only reinforces the mess I feel inside, while the mess inside creates the mess around me. It's overwhelming; I come to believe that even baby steps are impossible, and even if they aren't, nothing I do will make a difference.
So cleaning the sink, dusting the shelves, clearing the tops of the bookcases turn out to be actions that reverberate in my being. I see I'm wrong to call them small steps. They are messengers of new possibilities. And whether steps are small or large, they pave the way to change, and I remind myself that it's often said the first steps are always the hardest.
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