A couple of weeks ago, my wi-fi kept dropping out, coming back up, then dropping out again. I called my ISL provider.* I was on the phone for almost two hours with the tech. My job was mostly to be silent and tap some keys when I was told to. I could have gotten irritated or impatient when nothing worked, but I could tell she was trying everything she could think of to fix the problem without having to send someone to my house. She finally ran out of options and we made appointment for someone to come the next day. "I know you tried everything you could think of," I said, as we were saying goodbye. "And you've been very patient," she said.
In fact, I was amazed at how patient I'd been. But I knew that if I'd gotten irritated or sounded impatient, it would have made the tech defensive, she would feel pressured and wouldn't have been so willing to try so many things. If I had said, forget it, I see you can't fix it, she would hear that I thought she wasn't any good at her job, and both she and I would have walked away angry. Anger is something I no longer want to carry around; far better to be patient and polite.
Over the years, I've developed what I guess you'd call a technique for dealing with people who won't do what I want - for instance, correct the phone bill. I keep my voice neutral and never say anything remotely adversarial. "You're absolutely right," I say if they accuse me of some non-existent infraction. "How can I fix that? What would you do?" Since everyone likes to be told they're right and to be asked their opinion, they and I become allies, collaborators in finding a solution to the problem. I - and they - go away happy.
Here is the thing I think about. Is this technique I use simply a social skill I've picked up? Or, since I'm saying things to produce a certain result and the other person is unaware of it, is that actually manipulation? It certainly isn't Machiavellian but still...I think about a director doing whatever it takes to get a good performance out of an actor - it's a worthy goal, for the sake of art, so does that justify belittling the actor so she'll explode in anger in the scene?
The more I think about it, the more I see that everyone uses what I'd call small manipulations and probably many times a day. Why else are we polite but to have people think well of us and to keep the peace? (That one is so small I'm not even sure you can call that manipulation at all.) We all have goals and it's only human to try to arrange things so we can reach them.
But it's worth asking, when do these small manipulations cross over into something we feel is unfair? Where is the line between using social skills and taking advantage of someone? At what point, do we get a whiff of Machiavelli? Granted that line is hard to pinpoint. It's something like what the judge said when asked for a definition of pornography: I can't define it, but I know it when I see it. Each of us senses when the line is crossed.
We sense it because each of us, without even thinking about it, carries around a set of ethical standards bred in us by the culture and now, given recent studies of babies who show an innate sense of fairness, in our genes. Why some of us are able very easily to ignore those standards is a question for another day.
*There are phrases that float through the atmosphere, in the background, hardly registering. ISL provider. Jack-knifed big rig. Monsoonal moisture. On the 405...I love them all. I also love K for C: Klip and Kurl, Kathy's Kabinet...you probably know many more.
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